


It's Just Polyester

by stuckysleftarms



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: All this is is pain, Car Accident, Hurt No Comfort, I am so sorry, M/M, Major Character Injury, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Song: Heather (Conan Gray), Sort Of, Yes this is a Daisuga fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26126407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckysleftarms/pseuds/stuckysleftarms
Summary: “It looks better on you,” Daichi said, his voice so honest and sincere Suga felt compelled to look up. They were close enough for him to notice the reflection of the cool, winter sun in his eyes.He swallowed harshly. “You really think so?”Or, my take on a sad fic inspired by Conan Gray's "Heather." Listen if you want to before reading.
Relationships: Michimiya Yui/Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 56





	It's Just Polyester

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took me forever to write, for the reason that I couldn't bring myself to go through the pain of writing it. I am so sorry. It's not even that long, but finally, weeks later, I've finished it. I hope you all enjoy it. I could probably do more this whole concept, but for right now I'm okay with what it is. Maybe one day I'll come back and add to it.
> 
> Also, this is my first time writing for the Haikyuu fandom! It was a blast. Hopefully next time I can make something more lighthearted, because I really do love these boys a lot. 
> 
> Also, I'd like to shoutout two of my best friends who kept me writing this, if only to finish for them. You guys know who you are. I love ya'll. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Enjoy the ride. 
> 
> "Heather" by Conan Gray: https://youtu.be/GPUg7n8-M6o

It was the third of December when Suga and Daichi were waiting at the bus stop after practice, just as they had every other day of the year. Though this particular one was different in that Suga would hold onto it, a precious memory he’d savor and often come back to.

The weather was the familiar chill of the early holiday season, and Daichi was wearing a black sweater, gloves, and a matching winter hat. Suga, on the other hand, had not come so prepared. Cold rarely bothered him, but he had been hot after practice and left his hoodie in the gym, which was now locked and neither of them had the key. For once, Tanaka had taken it instead. 

The cold weather cooled him down quickly, chilling his sweat and freezing him through. Suga tried to act unbothered by it, but he couldn’t hide the shivering of his hands as he tried to warm them with his breath. Daichi turned to him, concern etched on his face. “Are you cold?” 

Suga shook his head no. He leaned against the corner of the bus stop as if that would give him some relief. At the response, Daichi walked closer to him and raised a brow. “Are you sure? I could give you my sweater. It’s no trouble, Suga.” And then he gave him one of those damn smiles, the genuine ones that reached his eyes and lit up his entire face. Suga could never say no to those smiles. 

“Fine,” he said quietly, looking down at his feet to hide his blush. He rubbed a hand over his face as if that would scrub it away. 

Daichi removed the sweater in one swift movement and held it out to Suga, who took it with shaking hands. They were too close, close enough that Suga could smell his scent. Pine and sweat had never been so enticing. “Thank you.” 

The other boy nodded in response and Suga shrugged the sweater on, eyes fixed on the ground, but when he looked up, Daichi was still looking at him with that stupid lopsided smile on his face. Was he staring? The blush was back, flooding Suga’s entire face now, and he looked back down. 

_Dumb infatuated gay brain._

“It looks better on you,” Daichi said, his voice so honest and sincere Suga felt compelled to look up. They were close enough for him to notice the reflection of the cool, winter sun in his eyes.

He swallowed harshly. “You really think so?” 

“Yeah,” Daichi said with a chuckle and punched his arm, the action gentle and friendly. It made Suga’s heart twist. “But don’t go stealing it, alright? I’ll need it back at your stop.” With that, he dug into his bag and pulled out a sweatshirt, his school one, and slipped it on. 

Two emotions hit Suga at once. First, the pain of Daichi making it clear he needed the sweater back. Of course he did, he was only borrowing it, and it was natural for people to ask for their things back. Still, he couldn’t help but hope he’d have been allowed to keep it, as if he was stealing his boyfriend’s sweater. But Daichi wasn’t his boyfriend, and he never would be. 

The second emotion was the hope accompanied by the pain, swelling in his heart like a tumor, because Daichi had given him the sweater off of his back rather than the other one in his bag. That had to mean something, right? But he cut those thoughts short. Jumping to false conclusions would only bring him a whole world of hurt later.

As if saving him, the bus arrived right at that moment. They got on together, and watching Daichi lean against the window with his eyes closed, Suga couldn’t help but imagine what they could be, if only he knew how much he liked him. 

He snuggled into the polyester sweater on his body, which smelled so much like Daichi, a smell he wished he could save within his nostrils and come back to whenever he wanted. But it was only a sweater. It was just polyester. 

❅

It was the fourth of December when Suga and Daichi were lingering in the school hallway. Suga was leaning against his locker and now in his own grey sweatshirt, the polyester of Daichi’s having long left his back. He missed it even now, after only wearing it on a bus ride. 

Daichi, who was standing next to him, math assignment flat against the locker nearest Suga’s head as he attempted to correct it, seemed to have noticed his silence. He stopped writing for a few seconds and looked over at the silver-haired boy, a small frown playing on his lips. “You’re quieter than usual.” 

That was true. Suga was usually the loud one who carried conversation. He supposed he’d been quieter lately, but it was hard to come up with things to say when all his brain could think of was the feeling of pine-scented polyester against his bare arms. 

A hand waved over his face, followed by a whistle and pretty brown eyes. “Suga. Hello, earth to Sugawara.” 

The boy snapped out of it, his eyes snapping up to meet Daichi’s. “Oh, sorry.” 

Daichi laughed heartily and wrapped his arm around Suga, catching him by surprise. The action was rough enough that it was obviously friendly, but he couldn’t help the way his heart skipped a beat. There was that pine scent again, followed by something deeper and so tantalizingly Daichi he couldn’t help but want _more._ But rather than lean into it, he merely smiled reassuringly up at his friend, all white teeth and bright eyes. 

“You’re worrying me. Come on, what happened to your usual-” Daichi cut himself off abruptly mid-sentence, eyes flickering elsewhere as though he were suddenly caught in a trance. When Suga followed his gaze, his smile instantly disappeared.

Michimiya was walking by, her short, brown hair bouncing with each step she took, skirt fabric rustling as she moved. She held herself with an air of confidence that even Suga couldn’t help but be drawn to. 

But watching Daichi watch her killed him inside.

Those brown eyes followed her with so much affection it lit up his entire face, down to even his lips, which quirked into a half-smile as his eyes ran over her form. Suga could see every moment, every thought, as his best friend took her in. He could only watch as Daichi’s previous concern for him was completely washed away and replaced with Michimiya- all in one glance. 

But it was fair, and he couldn’t even be upset, not when Michimiya was one of the nicest people he knew. She was an angel, and so much prettier than Suga would ever be, at least to Daichi. 

He only snapped out of it when the girl was further down the hallway, blocked from their sight by other people walking by. “Sorry, Suga. But like I was saying… I miss your usual brightness. Is something bothering you?” 

Suga shook his head, still dizzy from the weight of the arm around his shoulder. “No. Nothing.” 

❅

It was the sixth of December when Suga received the messages that tore his heart apart.

**From: Daichi (Sent at 3:56pm)**

[I asked out Michimiya!]

He could feel what was left of the organ in his stomach, like an empty pit, a pain still in his throat as he responded to his friend. 

**Sugawara:**

[That’s great! What did she say?]

He watched with anxious eyes as the three dots appeared on the screen, not sure what he was hoping they’d bring. Suga was happy for his friend, he really was, but he was also selfish, and with that selfishness came devastation. 

**Daichi:**

[She said yes! We’re going to dinner and a movie on Saturday!]

Suga swallowed the lump in his throat. Held back the tears. 

**Sugawara:**

[I’m so happy for you!]

And he was. He really was.

  
  


❅

  
  


It was the tenth of December when they were waiting at the bus stop again, except this time it wasn’t just Suga and Daichi. Michimiya was there too, standing next to Daichi in the same spot Suga usually stood, except she was closer, and her hand was entwined with his in a way Suga had never gotten to experience. What he did experience, though, was the feeling of Daichi’s polyester sweater around him, the same one Michimiya was wearing now. He stared longingly at it, thinking back to the fourth of December, when Daichi said it looked better on him.

Though judging by his expression now, he thought it looked _much_ better on her.

Suga stood a fair distance from them, leaning against the opposite wall of the bus stop. He was cold again, except this time Daichi wasn’t there to warm him. His eyes were too focused on Michimiya, who had shivered, and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close and sharing his heat.

At the same time, Suga felt a chill run through him. 

He couldn’t deny the girl was good for him. After only a few days of dating, he could see the difference in Daichi she had caused. He seemed happier, his eyes brighter when he smiled, and he walked like he was floating on air- all thanks to her. Suga could never ruin that. 

Not wanting to watch them anymore, he decided to speak up. “Are you two coming to Tanaka’s Christmas party tomorrow?” 

Daichi’s head finally snapped up to look at him. “Yeah! I’ll be there. How about you, Suga?” 

There was something about the way he said “Suga.” It was always so soft, so full of emotion… it gave him too much hope. 

“Yup! I’m going!” Suga laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. He could see his breath in the cold air. 

Michimiya, still cuddled against Daichi, smiled over at him. It was radiant. “Yay! I love having you around, Sugawara-san. You’re like our little plus one.” She giggled.  
Suga smiled despite those words having stabbed through his chest. “Yeah, your plus one…”

The girl seemed to have noticed his discomfort, since she frowned sincerely. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! I’m sorry!” She waved her hands in front of her. “You’re not our third wheel or anything, never think that! You’re Daichi’s best friend, which makes you important to me too.” 

Next to her, Daichi laughed softly. “I think he gets it, babe.” He looked at Suga then, his face sincere and voice carrying emotion. “You know we love you, Suga.”

“I know.” Was all Suga said in return, still smiling. _But you don’t love me the way I love you._ “And you’re important to me too, Michimiya-kun. I’d really enjoy getting to know you better at the party.” He let out an awkward laugh. “Tanaka and the team are awesome, you’re going to love it.” 

Her face lit up. “Great! I’ll see you there!”

He nodded. “Yeah, see you there.” 

  
  


❅

  
  


Back at home, Suga went straight to his bedroom. He tossed his bag to the side and flopped onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow. That was a disaster. Maybe he should just walk home from now on, that way he wouldn’t have to see them at the bus stop together anymore.

He was just so _selfish_. He should be happy for his best friend! And for Michimiya, who was nothing but sweet to him.

But deep in the darkest crevices of his mind, he sort of wished she were dead. 

No! He wished he was her. That he was the one who Daichi looked at with those soft eyes, completely mesmerized. That Daichi would hold _his_ hand, wrap his arm around _his_ shoulder, and give _him_ his sweater.

But it was just polyester… why did polyester matter so much to him? Suga felt a tear run down his cheek. Soon, one tear turned into heart-wrenching sobs, soaking through his pillow as he thought about his best friend never loving him back, at least not in the way he wished he would. 

Oh, what he would give to be Michimiya. 

  
  


❅

  
  


It was the eleventh of December when Suga arrived at Tanaka’s house party, alone and unsure of why he was even there. 

He wasn’t even sure Tanaka knew this many people, but knowing him, it was certainly possible. The loud music and flashing lights made everything hazy, and Suga struggled to find so much as the coat rack. When he did, he threw his coat into the pile around it. There were so many they didn’t all fit onto the object, so people had made a stockpile of winter coats all around it. 

Once done with that he wound his way through dancing bodies and couples entwined in one another, so many grinding and locking lips- the very sight of either making Suga long for what he didn’t have. Finally, he made it through to the kitchen, which was just as packed as the rest of the house. 

There, he saw him, blessedly alone and dressed in an open black blazer and white button-up. He looked _good_ , and getting closer, he smelled even better. Suga made his way over and tapped him on the shoulder.“Hey!” 

Daichi looked over to see who tapped him, his face lighting up when he noticed it was Suga. “Hey! I was starting to think you weren’t gonna show!” 

Suga pouted playfully. “And ditch you? Come on, you know I wouldn’t do that!” He grabbed a cup and filled it with water from the sink, not trusting any of the drinks that were available. 

“I guess not. I’ve missed seeing you outside of school.” Daichi’s lips tilted into a half-smile, his eyes focused on Suga. They were soft, full of warmth. It sent a pang through the other boy’s chest. 

“Sorry.” Suga sighed, holding back a frown, “I want to spend more time with you,” _you have no idea,_ “I think we’ve just both been busy. But I’m here now!” He smiled with his teeth and playfully leaned his head against Daichi’s shoulder.

Daichi stiffened at the action and Suga immediately stood up, removing his head from the other boy. He cleared his throat and took another sip of water, trying to shrug it off. Daichi cleared his as well, and for a suffocating few seconds which felt like minutes, the air between them was tense and silent. 

That was until Michimiya entered the kitchen, her presence seeming to instantly improve Daichi’s mood as he straightened his back and smiled at her, attention completely falling from Suga. She weaved her way over to him and wrapped her arm around his, a wide smile on her face. “Hey babe, and hi Suga!” 

Suga smiled hesitantly at her, though it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Hi, Michimiya. Have you been here?”  
  
“Yeah! I went to get these for us.” She addressed Daichi then, handing him one of the red plastic cups she held in her hands. 

“Thanks, love.” He took the cup and sipped its contents. 

Suga’s eyes widened at the exchange. “Is that alcohol? I didn’t know you drank, Daichi.”  
  
Daichi shrugged. “I usually don’t, but this might be our last party as high school students. Might as well get the whole high school experience, ya know?” 

Next to him, Michimiya giggled and nudged his side. “That’s what I always say! You finally decided to listen to me?”  
  
Her boyfriend turned a shade of pink that reached his ears. “Maybe.”  
  
Suga couldn’t watch anymore. As if to escape it, or maybe just to survive the night, he looked over to Michimiya. “Hey, do you have any more of those drinks?”

She hummed. “Oh? No, but there are more in the living room! I’m pretty sure Nekoma’s captain is giving them out.”

  
  


❅

  
  


Only a few hours later, Suga was most definitely drunk. It started after Kuroo gave him one drink and spiraled from there, Suga downing drink after drink as Kuroo kept supplying them. With each sip of alcohol, it was like he was forgetting more and more about Daichi and his stupid crush on him.

He totally wasn’t still thinking of those big, brown eyes or toned biceps with veins that were downright sinful. 

No, instead he was draped against Kuroo, blabbering pathetically to him. 

“Kuroo!” Suga slurred, leaning his head against the other man’s shoulder. “Didchu see Daichi tonight? Didchu? He looks so good in that shirt, Kuroo. Like, I jus’ wanna eat him!” 

The raven-haired boy laughed heartily, his devious smile coming through even in that. “And did you tell him any of this?”

“I can’t, Kuroo!” Suga whined, throwing his head back like a sad toddler. “He’s dating Michimiya! I can’t ruin that!” 

Kuroo frowned and patted his head, gently, like he was stroking a sad puppy. Which Suga sort of was, as tears were beginning to form in his eyes already, his lower lip quivering with the oncoming need to cry.

“Hey, cheer up, Suga! Anyone would want to date you! I mean, just look at you!”

Suga sniffed and rubbed at his now tear-stained cheeks. “But I don’t want _anyone_. I want him.” 

His frown deepening, Kuroo only sighed, all traces of his usual devious expression gone. “I know.” He ran long fingers through Suga’s hair, contemplating. “Maybe you should go home. You’re too drunk. I’ll drive you.” 

“No!” Suga insisted instantly, shaking his head with so much force his tears splashed the nearby captain. “I’ll drive myself. It’s fine. I don’t want to bother anyone else.”

And he meant that. He was tired of being a burden, of being selfish, to Daichi and to everyone around him. He had always hated being self-indulgent at all, instead preferring to focus on the needs of others. 

“Suga, I don’t think that’s a good—” but before Kuroo could finish, Suga was already standing up and headed for the exit, stumbling his way through the crowd of people on very drunk legs. 

His head was spinning. The music was still too loud, but now it was ringing through his ears, each drop of the bass rattling his very skull. It hurt, and the heat of the people around him didn’t help either. There were too many, all dancing together or locking lips. He couldn’t take it anymore.

That, and still, despite the atmosphere and the alcohol, Daichi lingered on his brain. His eyes, his scent, the flexing of his muscles- all of it was in Suga’s head, playing over and over. He wanted him. He longed for him like a starving man longed for food.

But he could never have him. He was Michimiya’s. He wanted Michimiya, and there was nothing Suga could ever do about that. He couldn’t even hate her. 

Suga made it out of the door, the cool air hitting him instantly but not having much effect with the alcohol flowing through his veins. He reached into his pocket and fished out the car keys as he climbed into the driver’s seat, head still spinning.

Distantly, he could hear someone calling his name. Probably Kuroo. He ignored it.

This was bad. He could hardly see straight, everything was blurry and his eyes were seeing double, so driving was certainly a terrible idea. But he had to. He had to leave, get as far away from Daichi and his damn doe eyes as he possibly could. 

He started up the car, driving through the dark roads as best as he could whilst intoxicated. His head was fuzzy, though, and he could feel himself veering in and out of consciousness. There were black spots in his vision.

Then, for a second, there were bright lights accompanied by the loud _honnnnk!_ of a truck’s horn and the shattering of glass.

Complete darkness.

  
  


❅

  
  


Suga woke up to a bright light, head feeling dizzy and his vision blurry. He tried to sit up, but found he couldn’t. He could hardly even move. When his vision adjusted, he realized where he was. A hospital. 

He was connected to a multitude of machines, their screens showing things like his vitals and numbers he couldn’t understand. Upon feeling his face, he realized he had tubes in his nose. Was he on a breathing machine? His chest did feel tight. That, and his throat felt raw. He was sure that if he opened his mouth, nothing would come out. 

He couldn’t look down at himself, but his limbs felt heavy. He was sure his right arm was in a cast, and his left could just barely move. Still, his entire body hurt, ached like it never had before. 

“Suga!” That voice. Suga knew that voice anywhere. “You’re awake!” 

He tried to respond, but as he thought, he couldn’t bring himself to make words. Instead he settled for raising his left arm as much as he could, jerking his arm in a small wave.

Daichi came to his bedside immediately, grabbing his hand and placing it back down on the bed. From what Suga could see through blurry eyes, he looked wrecked. His hair was a mess and he definitely hadn’t slept in days, but that wasn’t what caught Suga’s attention. What did were his eyes, red and swollen as if he had just been crying. 

Suga tried to speak again, but Daichi cut him off. “You can’t. Your vocal cords were damaged in the crash. Please, don’t.” 

The way he said don’t was soft, desperate. It hurt to listen to. 

“I’m so sorry, Suga. I should have been there, I should have driven you home. I didn’t even know you wanted to leave, and I thought you were safe with Kuroo. He’s a lot of things, but he’s usually responsible--” 

Suga cut him off by squeezing his hand, which Daichi was, by some miracle, still holding against the mattress. He looked at him, eyes showing nothing but forgiveness. 

Daichi swallowed and continued. “Why didn’t you let him drive you? It’s not like you to be so reckless. Well, you are, sometimes, but not with things like _this_.” He sighed. “Why?” 

Unable to speak, Suga merely blinked, unable to give him the answer he wanted. The truth would only hurt Daichi, and the last thing he wanted was him to live the rest of his life believing any of this was his fault. 

“Sorry, you can’t speak. Here, you can move this hand, right?” And with that, Daichi removed his hand from Suga’s and fumbled around in his pocket before pulling out his iPhone. He slid the screen a few times before holding it out in front of Suga’s face, where he could see it and reach to type with his fingers. 

He typed the first thing that came to mind. _I’m sorry_. 

Once he was done he placed his hand down again, missing Daichi’s in it, and rested it against the hospital mattress. 

Daichi looked at the screen, then, a frown forming on his face. “Sorry? Suga, no, don’t be. I’m the one who should have been there for you, and now-” his voice broke, the man unable to continue, “I’m the one who’s sorry, Suga.” 

He held his phone out to Suga again, who typed, slowly and with shaking fingers. _Not your fault._ And then he added: _N_ _o one’s fault_. 

  
  


❅

  
  


Later, the doctor had stopped by to tell Suga the seriousness of his condition. He had three broken ribs, a collapsed lung, another failing lung, a failing kidney, permanent damage to his vocal cords, his right arm and leg were broken… and that was only the worst of it.

He had been told that he wouldn't make it to Christmas if he couldn’t get a new lung. 

After he woke up, Daichi had visited him every day. He didn’t always speak. Some days he would sit in a chair and read silently, a comforting presence at Suga’s bedside. Other days he would bring his laptop, climb into Suga’s bed as gently as he possibly could, and turn on Star Wars for the two of them. Suga appreciated those days more than he would ever admit. Daichi’s warmth against him was almost enough to dull the ache in his bones. 

The days he did speak were nice, though. He would tell him about volleyball and the latest antics of Kageyama and Hinata, who apparently still acted like they hated one another. He’d told him how Noya and Asahi had finally fixed that broken broom, and how he wished Suga was there to help them.

He never mentioned Michimiya. Suga was glad for it, but wondered if there was a reason, if he was avoiding the topic on purpose. 

One day, after another one of his fits where Suga felt like he was suffocating, like someone had dropped an anvil on his chest and sucked the breath out of his lungs, so that he could only take air in small, teasing bursts, Daichi started crying. Suga had been wheezing and trying (but failing) to cough, flailing about and panicking on his bed, when he heard a sob next to him. Finally, he managed to catch his breath and peered over, only to see Daichi hiding his face in a book. 

Suga had still heard it, though, and the way Daichi kept reaching up to rub his eyes behind the book had given him away, anyway. 

After a while, Suga reached up his hand in the way he always did when he wished to express a thought, and Daichi handed him his phone. 

_Star Wars?_

Daichi read it and smiled through his red face and puffy eyes, nodding. “Of course.”  
  
And they spent that night together in Suga’s bed, Daichi’s side pressed against him as softly as he could manage, the small laptop balanced atop their legs. The screen was small, which gave Suga an excuse to rest his head on the other man’s shoulder. When he fell asleep, it was in that position. 

Every time he woke up gasping for air, thinking that this would be it, that he would finally suffocate, he was pleasantly surprised to discover Daichi hadn’t moved from his position. 

He wished every night could be like that.

  
  


❅

  
  


It was Christmas eve when Suga woke up, gasping for air as he so usually did, but this time the attack lasted longer, his lungs feeling as though they were shriveling within his chest as he took in tiny, teasing breaths that he couldn’t release. The attack went on until his face turned blue, and finally it woke Daichi, who had been asleep in the chair next to him. When was it that he had started spending the night? 

“Suga!” Daichi’s face appeared, eyes wide and panicked, frantically looking at him. “Breathe, Suga! I’ll get the nurse-”

Before he could leave, Suga grabbed his arm, squeezing it. His message was clear: _stay._

Daichi swallowed, and reluctantly, he listened, staying in his spot until the attack died down, Suga’s breath returning to its usual scattered, shallow pattern. 

Once he could, Suga gestured for Daichi’s phone, which he gladly handed over. He typed, slower than he had the first few times, his fingers shakier, slower.

_Michimiya._

He stopped, and Daichi looked at the word, his eyes narrowed and confused. “What?” 

_You don’t talk about her. Why?_ Typing that had felt like it took years.

Daichi read it and frowned, his cheeks turning red. “We broke up. After your accident.” He said it quietly, as though he were ashamed. 

And, guilty as it made him, something about that made Suga happy. But it also broke him in a whole new way, because now he couldn’t be with Daichi not because of someone else, but because he wouldn’t live long enough to ever enjoy anything with him. 

_Why?_

Daichi made a sad, sheepish sound, scratching the side of his neck. “We got into a fight about it. I blamed myself, and she didn’t want to hear it. Kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, and then I-” he took a breath, “I blamed her. Said that it was her fault because she kept me away from you.” 

Suga frowned. What did that even mean? But still, his traitorous heart was humming. 

_???_

“The third of December.” Daichi said then, voice suddenly very quiet. His leg was shaking and he was tapping his fingers against it. 

Suga’s eyes widened, his heart jumping. What about the third of December? He still replayed that day in his head. The cold, Daichi’s sweater, saying it looked better on him, the feel of the polyester, and the beginning of his mantra: it’s just polyester. 

“I-” Daichi sighed, pausing to suck his cheek and fiddle with his fingers. “I was going to ask you out on the bus ride. You just- the way you looked in my sweater, and I- I freaked out.”

The silver-haired boy’s heart erupted into song. It was mutual, it had been mutual, but if that was the case, then why? Why had he started dating Michimiya? And why was he telling him so late? Why now, when nothing could become of it? 

He gestured for the phone again, typing as quickly as he could. _I liked you too._ Then, not liking the look of that, he erased it and started over. Next to him, he could feel Daichi’s anxiety, if the heaviness of his breath was any example.

_I would have said yes._

Daichi read those words and let out a relieved exhale. 

Suga felt jealous of that, the fullness of his breath, how much he could just release. Meanwhile he wasn’t sure he could even yawn if he wanted to. He typed something else.

_Why Michimiya?_

When he showed Daichi that, he frowned, deep and sincere. “I liked you first. But she came- and I liked her too. A lot. Then things sort of just, happened, and I thought me and you would be better off as friends. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But I-” He sighed, and that jealousy hit Suga again, “I loved you first. I still do.” 

If Suga could have gasped, he would have. But with his limited breath, all he could do was smile, his eyes holding all of the emotion he couldn’t speak. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you this, it’s unfair-” 

Suga cut him off by pulling on his arm, still holding that pure expression on his face. The one that depicted his love without him saying it. And he wouldn’t say it. He couldn’t. Because saying it now would be unfair. It would be brutal. Instead he typed. 

_You should go back to her._

That would be better for him. He could love someone who would last, who didn’t have an expiration date. Suga’s place on the transplant list was low, and with the scarcity of lungs, he wouldn’t get one for years. But he didn’t have years. He had a few days, if he was lucky. 

But still, by the way Daichi nodded and grabbed his hand, eyes glassy as he squeezed it, Suga knew he had read his expression. Daichi knew he loved him too. 

“Star Wars?”

Suga nodded. Of course. 

  
  


❅

  
  


It was the thirtieth of December when it happened. He had another attack that left him blue in the face, gasping for air like he was drowning above water, but this time he didn’t recover. His breathing didn’t return to normal. He had passed out from it, and when Daichi came back with doctors and nurses, it was too late. 

Sugawara Koushi was gone. 

Daichi, face wet and ears ringing from his own screams, tried to break through the doctors to just see him. One last time, to see his beautiful face. To trace over it, memorize it, feel and savor everything from his mole to his lips, everything he had never gotten to, not in the way he wanted. 

  
  


❅

  
  


Daichi didn’t go to his funeral. He couldn’t bring himself to, not when he knew he’d have to look at the faces of all of those people who didn’t visit him once on his last days, who hadn’t sat there whilst he struggled to hold on, the air leaving his lungs like a leaking balloon. 

They weren’t strong enough to. They didn’t care enough to. 

He opened his notes app, wanting to reread the small phrases and fragments of conversation Suga had written in there, only to find a behemoth of words awaiting him. He swallowed, knowing exactly who had written them, and prepared himself to read it.

_Daichi, your alseep rigt now. U look so cute sleeping. Did u kno that? Sorry for any mitstakess in this. Its hard for me to type. Hard to think. Hardest to breathe. But I had to say this for u._

_I love you too._

_Im sorry I didnt say it when u tol d me. I was afraid to. THought it was unfair. But I have for a while. For as long as i can rmember._

_But i kno u love michimiya. U love her too and thats okay. I only want u to be happpy. And she makes u happy. I know she does. Ive seen it. And ive hated her for it. Sorry abt that._

_Its ironic. Once i wished she were dead. But look whos actually going to be. Ha. Funy how the universce comes back to get us. Karma. I know u beleved in that. I never did… i do now._

_I love you. I want u to be happy. Go be with her. She makess u happy. Please. For me._

_I love u. I’ll miss you._

_Save your sweater for me?_

_-Suga_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This whole fic was such a journey. Please let me know what you liked or didn't like in the comments. I don't usually- or ever- write things like this so it was all a learning experience.
> 
> Leave kudos if you'd like and also leave a comment! Those are one of the only reasons I keep writing and posting.


End file.
